Resolution is Overrated
Thirteen years ago tomorrow, my life changed forever. I became a mom. My time for myself, and my days so neatly ordered to my liking suddenly became a thing of the past as my body literally was given over to producing, presenting, and feeding this little amazing thing. Said little amazing thing, Son of Mando, is now taller than I am.
When he was little, and even before he was born, I used to be such a closure person. Now I'm so busy half the time I can't remember to eat my lunch, which is what happened today. I literally forgot to eat and when at 4:00 I wondered why I was so damn hungry, it dawned on me.
When I say I really don't have time for something, I really don't have time. I defer a lot of responsibility these days, not just because I finally realized not everything is my responsibility, but because I refuse to get less than 6 hours of sleep a night unless it is absolutely unavoidable. I have to function at a pretty high level from sunup to sundown. I know it's nearly impossible to imagine, but most of the people I talk to all day are smarter than I am, and keeping up or staying ahead of them and then coming home to focus on my kids or my other obligations and do all that well takes adequate sleep. I know that some folks have to operate pretty regularly on little rest but it makes life a lot harder for them. People who brag about their ability to operate on no sleep scare me, sort of like the poor woman on our street who took out our mailbox one morning after a 36-hour shift. It could have been a kid, or an animal. So these days, if something is unresolved at the end of the day in my own quiet life, it just stays unresolved.
"Unresolved" is a way of life, really. There is not, as some may believe, a single right answer to everything in our lives. Being human is not a mathematical equation. There are lots of solutions to a single question. Now I see that this is part of the beauty of living. Many circumstances weave an unfinished tapestry or carry a melody into an unfinished third movement. There are many things we will never know.
I used to be frustrated by not having an ending, happy or un, to certain things. Certainly where work is concerned, I resolve as many things as I can. I'm helping a good friend right now reach resolution on a significant career move. But many things don't really have an ending, and often not the endings we'd wish.
At the beginning of the year I resolved to try two things: help grow the business I work for, and become a better musician. Both are happening, but these goals too are evolutionary, and not finite. Living is continuous, an action, a constantly changing state in which we try to stabilize ourselves, our dreams, our loves, our desires. Kind of silly, really, to think we are ever "done" with some aspect of living or "complete" in some way. Life is in constant forward motion.
So tomorrow, my firstborn will be thirteen years old. I am so proud of him. He's not crazy about change but he is so bright and smart, snarky and creative. And he's learning to roll with the punches since mom isn't able to block them all.
Here is a tune for the moment from my most raved about recording these last few weeks, The Infamous Stringdusters' Fork in the Road cd. I love this tune because it is so positive and upbeat, looking forward into the unknown instead of back over one's shoulder. It's the only way to meet the future -- with a smile, an extended open hand, hope, and slightly cautious optimism.
The Stringdusters will be in Bowling Green next weekend but I have a feeling the kids and I will skip the 4-hour round trip with the array of other things going on. However the Dusters absolutely are a must-see when you can. I'll be catching them next month at the IBMA World of Bluegrass Fan Fest and hope to see you there.