Wednesday, August 01, 2007

That was then.....

This used to be me. Spinning a plate for every person I was expected to please. Playing the role of wife, mother, lover, volunteer, sometime wage earner, chief cook and bottle washer, milkmaid, chief of procurement, director of special events, chief learning officer…..the list continues.

Through it all, I was expected to do it all perfectly and with a smile plastered on my face.

Downsizing was the surprise of my life.

Never mind that it was painful enough to imagine the familiar phrase, “Don’t let the screen door hit you on your way out.” As miserable as I felt having let down my children and my family, and feeling that I had failed, I stuck with myself and learned that, by golly, it wasn’t all me.

Someone close to me once suggested that once I had kids, I was all about them. Well, dag, Bubba, of course I am all about them – I didn’t expect that they would raise themselves. I was also not the only adult in the household who had the capacity to figure out how to make a dinner reservation or hire a babysitter. Our marriage counselor gave him homework once to set up a date. He never did it, and we never went back. I never knew why that happened, but learning that the person I was sharing my life with wasn’t really interested really was kind of the last straw in the eye. All the plates kind of came crashing down, but once I picked up the pieces and threw them out, I was able to start unlearning some of the things and habits that had helped lead to the bad things during that time in my life.

But first, I had to be even more of an idiot. The first person with whom I had a serious relationship after my marriage really was not much different. His expectations for my perfection were, in fact, even greater. The criticism was even more stinging in many ways, because I had a genuine connection with this person on a greater number of levels, particularly where music was concerned. The whole point of leaving my marriage was that I had given up my authenticity and that ultimately it wouldn’t be too much longer before any sense of self vanished completely. This person was not helping. I got tired of trying over and over to be what this person wanted too, and I learned recently that he still harbors a great deal of anger over the fact that I didn’t take him back a third time so he could -- what? Break my heart again? Even I'm not that stupid.

Now, I never said I was perfect. I am a very emotional person, passionate, direct, sarcastic, and unfortunately, smart. I do realize there are two sides to every story.

This blog happens to be about mine.

If you have a problem with that, just -- as my dear Shameless often says --

Now. Here's another tune I've been trying to learn. It's a bit all-too hidden quality of my own. Working on something a bit above my level, while careful not to develop too many bad habits, reminds me that it's not good to underestimate myself. And that's a waste of time since there are so many other people doing that for me. I've always thought this tune was a bit jaunty for the name, "Booth Shot Lincoln", but it's a wonderful tune nonetheless. Two versions I am using to learn it are one by Marcus Martin recorded by Alan Lomax in 196something (Mr. Martin just called it "Booth",), and by my favorite trad girls, Uncle Earl, on their album before last, She Waits for Night. This is their version here. It's got 'tude, you know? Like me. And the B part really sings on the high notes -- I mean, when real fiddlers play it the way I will someday.



At August 01, 2007 10:58 PM, Blogger Blueberry said...

I've been through that train wreck a couple of times. The last time, I stayed with the person. He really seemed to want to patch everything up. My heart was broken anyway, and I figured I'd never be worth a damn in a relationship again regardless. It's hard to separate, hard to stay together too. It took years before I got over my anger. Trust is gone forever, but that applies to all of 'em, not just this one. Glad there were no kids from either marriage. Can't imagine how it would be getting kids through the process when you don't know the way either. It's a blind alley but you all will get through in time.

Keep venting!! It's healthy!!

At August 02, 2007 11:51 AM, Blogger Mando Mama said...

Hi Blueberry,
I'm sorry you've had it rough, too. I feel like no one will ever really appreciate, and accept, and love, all of who I am, which because I'm human, includes the less perfect parts. I'm grateful that I have good friends and the most wonderful children I could ever ask for, and a rich life with lots of good stuff in it. We're all managing through somehow.

You're right about the trust thing. Once I knew how little I mattered, it made it pretty hard to stick around. I won't settle or be settled for, and I know that means a life quite different from what I expected. But it's a genuine life, and that's the best anyone can do, really.

At August 04, 2007 6:05 PM, Anonymous the last time said...

keep venting, yes, that's the key, keep on bringing it up in your cosciousness, press repeat one more time, rewind the tape, make it more concrete, yes! be there then, it's healthier!!!! it must be hip these days, i better try it!

Ask all the psycho - therapists, they tell ya for only $69.95 [per hour!] give it a try!

sometimes you gotta laugh out loud, right? is this what it's all about, no doubt, don't pout, if it doesn't hurt then don't pull it out!

Silliness at it's best! spinning wheel can't slow down, ha ha ha!

Mary, yor nearly a laugh.........

If you want somebody you can trust - trust yourself!

[bob dylan said it was an ancient chinese secret- don't tell anybody!]

Babbling on


a pack o' lips now!

oops. wrong planet! Can someone please direct my towards EARTH!


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