A Lotta Wind
Man, I got friends.
I sort of find myself in the middle of a situation. I guess I did sort of get a little uppity and tell my X that he needed to get his head out of his ass and deal with the stuff going on with the kids like a man. In a manner of speaking, I asked for it.
But my kids didn't really ask for what's happening to them. What kid does?
I remember being a kid. Basically, there is little or no democracy. You kind of have to do whatever the grownups tell you to do. When my mom had to sell our house out in the country, and move us to town, it was the very smartest thing she could do. Hell, we lived in an old house. The people who built it were buried in the cemetery down the lane. It had a door in one cellar which opened into the underground railroad. It was a monster to heat. And 20 acres to mow? What single mother has time for that?
So I remember the night before we moved just feeling like I would never sleep again. My life was OVER. I lay on the floor in what used to be our sort of family room, listening to the radio. I was so afraid of the change that was coming.
And you know what?
I survived. And my sister, too. And we had a great run. It had it's moments, but overall, my mother knew what she was doing.
Granted, not all grownups do. But I do understand that sometimes a sort of martial law is called into effect. My kids and I don't respond to that very well but pretty much we know that there's little we can do when it is invoked.
So we listen to the wind.
I like to stand on hilltops and mountains sometimes, and enjoy the wind and the view at the same time. I realized tonight that there hasn't been a moment in the last four or five years when I stood at a beautiful place and felt, "Gee, this would be so much better if I were like, glued to somebody's side." The majesty of a place is there whether we are alone or with another to witness it. I love that I can breathe deeply and allow the expanse of a beautiful vista to wash over me and be completely in that moment.
Tonight the kids and I watched a silly movie, Princess Diaries 2. What a sneaky little movie! At the end, the lovely young Princess Mia (Anne Hathaway) convinces her Parliament to abolish an outmoded law that required that a female heir could not be Queen unless she were married. How about that? Disney--who knew! It was a timely message. Sometimes I feel that I am not living up to some standard by being alone, as though being married automatically confers special powers. It doesn't. It does however confer additional responsibility, and you're either up to it, or your not.
I'm not sure that the so-called "benefits" of marriage suit me very well at this point in my life. I do love to be able to put my children first without reservation, and to spend the time I'm not with them any damn way I choose. Certainly the genuineness of the union and the benefits of my remarriage to my children would have to prove enormous in order to convince me to take that step.
But my kids are in a situation, and I'm in it with them, and so I gotta go listen to a lot of wind. I hope it is well intentioned. I hope there is genuine concern and integrity behind it. I hope I am utterly convinced of sincerity and love.
And if I'm not? Well, then I can refer the matter. And listen to more bluegrass while it gets sorted out.
Blow Big Wind