A LLLove Letter

A cornerstone of my early years as a parent was La Leche League International, a nonprofit organization devoted to helping breastfeeding moms and babies all over the world. Not only did LLL sustain me through some lonely times as a breastfeeding, co-sleeping, very attached mom, I met wonderful families; forged friendships with incredibly talented, funny, warm, engaging women, and grew friendships that will last me the rest of my life. I became a LLL leader and continue to help moms and babies work out the mother-baby dance. I love my LLL friends, even though some of us aren’t so much a part of LLL anymore. And what I learned there only validated my passionate feelings about motherhood, feelings that were guiding me then and continue to guide me now in the most important job I’ll ever have.

Quite by accident, I got to spend this Valentine’s evening with the two people I love best, my son and daughter, along with a sweet little friend of theirs. I have a hard time turning down an opportunity to be with my kids because they are awesome, and I love being their mom. Being a mom is not glamorous, or considered by most to be very sexy, and it is most certainly not convenient. People who like convenience should probably avoid becoming parents or getting too tangled up with those of us who are.

About a year ago, my former brother-in-law, despite pining for his own children, stopped just short of suggesting to me that the reason my marriage failed was that once the kids came along, “I was all about them.”

Nice guy, love him, but, WHAT a RETARD.

Now, coming from a person who doesn’t have kids, that comment was odd enough. But this person was well aware of my situation and knew and admitted what I was up against. Yet, evidently, not only was it still considered my job to carry, give birth to, nurse, and clean up after these two babies, it was also my job to sustain the marriage with the oversized child in the house, and continuously inject the relationship and our lives with merriment. After spending the day cleaning up vomit, or vomiting all night myself and then having to take care of kids all day, I was nonetheless expected to Be the Perfect Wife Forever, which evidently meant being the only person responsible for fun and intimacy. When I couldn’t keep up, my ex, who never once made arrangements for a single evening alone for us beyond our honeymoon, turned to other means.

My story isn’t all that unusual. Men generally are pretty inept when it comes to actually completing the transition from Boyfriend Wonder to Dad along with their wives, who become women who are also mothers. They expect to be able to live the life they used to live while expecting us to live that life AND pull double duty meeting their kids’ needs. I learned the hard way that some men just aren’t up to the task of being good partners and dads at the same time.

For those of you who are, or who want badly to exercise that option, I applaud you. You will sustain humanity and set good examples for our sons and daughters. The rest of you either can’t or don’t want to. That stinks.

Some nights, I still dream about being pregnant, or even about nursing a baby; I can actually feel the "let-down" of the milk flowing through my breasts and when I wake up I expect to be covered in milk the way I used to be with my newborns. That milk sustained them through all kinds of things during their first two years of life, and the countless days and nights of nursing them forged between us an incredible, unique bond. I know them and understand their needs in ways no one else ever will. We're nothing fancy. I can't afford to take them to a lot of places like their dad can, but we don’t mind hanging out together, whether it’s watching a movie, playing a game, or enjoying a bluegrass band. I guess I don’t have much romance in my life, but our little family sure has plenty of LLLove.

There's No One Like Mother To Me
Carter Family

Sadly I'm thinking tonight
Thinking of the sweet bye and bye
Memories of childhood so bright
Come back like a dream with a sigh

I've been thinking of friends and of home
In that cottage far over the sea
No matter wherever I roam
There's no one like mother to me

There's no one like mother to me
No matter how poor she may be
I'll go back to that home o'er the sea
There's no one like mother to me

When I left that old home o'er the sea
I kissed them goodbye at the gate
Somebody whispered to me
A loving voice asked me to wait

Her blessing she gave with a smile
And tears on her cheeks I could see
How often that sweet face I've missed
There's no one like mother to me